[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
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Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.