Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
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Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.