You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
You Might Also Like
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.