Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
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Mission: Impossible
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…