If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
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[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.