me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
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Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean