Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
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Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.