[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
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[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
no their not
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
😩😩😩
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh