Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”