Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
2022 be like
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
hi why am I like this
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits