When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
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I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Based Erika
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
My dog learned how to text
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
bought wrong eggs
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised