While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
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My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS