Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Siri, fight Alexa.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”