Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
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genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
wow
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.