How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie