♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
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[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago