Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
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If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Reporter: *ports again*
I have questions??
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.