I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
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when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
yeah not falling for this one