My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
You Might Also Like
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
*ernest hemingway voice*
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*