5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
You Might Also Like
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
There’s always that one guy
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry