Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
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DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
This cat wants you to take your pills
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.