Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
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Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Perfection.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave