Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
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I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…