*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
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“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”