I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Choose your fighter
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.