The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Mornin
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon