“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Knock Knock
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure