How actors in movies eat their food
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Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
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Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert