9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
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doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Bit chilly again tonight.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.