You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
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[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?