next question.
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*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it