My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
You Might Also Like
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid