Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
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I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
We have a winner.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.