Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.