Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
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So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
What the hell happened in there??
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.