Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
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I have a black belt in leather
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Thursday
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles