Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
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Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I’ve had worse
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.