My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
the chicken was already gone when I got here
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?