If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
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Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.