I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
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The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
We need to put an American base on the sun
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)