Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
You Might Also Like
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.