“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
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4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE