[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.