I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
You Might Also Like
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
greetings!
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
The Struggle
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Happy thanksgiving!
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.