You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*