Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
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My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.