Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
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[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*