My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
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[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
New comic up. “Ransom”
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?