If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
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teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?