“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
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MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Not all heroes wear capes…
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget